Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
