boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
