I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
