Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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