the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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