We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
