My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
