I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
