Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
