i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
