Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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