'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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