apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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