Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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