you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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