I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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