just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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