Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
