Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
