Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
