im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
