No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
