ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
