You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
