I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
