Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
