Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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