I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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