I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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