Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
