walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
