two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
