Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
