I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
