My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
