at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
