Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
