I smell stomach acid.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
