the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I currently don't understand fingers.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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