I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
