The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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