His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
