I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
