My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just blew my weed a kiss
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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