Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
