wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
