I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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