Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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