Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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