the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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