I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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