fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
