I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
